The Perfect HIT…

I crack a bottle o’ red…twist off. 
Why? Cause I’ve already done so much activity today that I’m too damn lazy to deal with a cork…
I can run countless miles in the trails + pedal myself silly + pull ups and push ups galore + pooch walk + farmers market + yard clean up….
but the thought of pulling the cork outta a bottle of wine is agonizing…
ANYWAYS…
It’s a pain when the inspiration “hits mid pedal”.  But sometimes, that’s just when the “hit” finds me, and that’s how it happened yesterday afternoon.
I was craving words but could come up with none.  But as soon as I hop in my saddle BAM…WORDS IN MY HEAD like the news stream on the bottom of the CNN channel.
You see, I’m a proud pedaler.AND piddler…
I ALWAYS start the day out with some sorta pedal, but yesterday I also enjoyed a mid morning “piddle”. 
I piddle around the house…move this here…. hang this there…or maybe there?
No this should go here…oh wow I forgot I had this!
Clean this, fold that..
Feed this…water that……
Hmmm…what am I feeding today? Or better yet….what feeds me today?
Was it the piddle or the pedal?
Its a continuous cycle of piddling, pedaling, fueling, feeding,.chasing.
I’m always chasing the “belly burn”.  I LOVE the feeling of the BURN in my belly. 
Maybes the burn comes from the perfect Kombucha..or Pellegrino …
or the perfect pour over coffee…or the impeccable cappuccino…
or that perfect glass o’ red….or the pristine ginger mule ..or the faultless bloody Mary…
I’m constantly chasing perfection…is this what medicine has done to me?
Because during the “down times”, i.e., on weekends/mornings/evening, when I’m away from medicine, and in the absence of treating patients, its as if my mind is spinning on idle…but still CRAVING that “burn”.
So while my mind “idles”… my belly craves that “burn of perfection” ….
Why is it in the form of lavish coffees and red wines? Who knows…
Maybe its my Italian heritage, but that only accounts for 50 % of moi, the other 50% of moi = Austrian, English, Swiss …possibly German? Maybe that explains the “outlying” Bloody Mary crave?
But please do not misinterpret this “perfection pursuit” as a pompous attempt to attain some sort of”exceptional” status.  Its not that those of us who work in medicine are “brilliant” or “genius” or some type of superior being for doing what we do.  
If anything, its quite the OPPOSITE.
We must be quite mad to devote such a large portion of our brains to memorize and house all of the information for diagnoses, treatments, drug interactions, contraindications, starting doses, red flags and coding crap-o-la, such that we are barely able to muster an iota of brain power to devote to even the simplest tasks.
I’ve watched my husband struggle to use our manual can opener.
Tonight, I got in a heated battle with saran wrap and lost…miserably…it wasn’t.even.close.
But we continue to seek out that next “hit” of perfection, whether its through medicine, or various caffeinated beverages and adult libations.
But the difference is, in medicine, you HAVE TO BE PERFECT. 
You have someone else’s health and well being in your hands, EVER.DAY.
EVERY DAY someone is staring back at me looking for answers to achieve their version of “perfection”.  
Maybes its to be in less pain, or to feel happier, or to have lower blood pressure, or higher self esteem…or to have a daily bowel movement.
WHATEVER it is…they look to us for the answers….
And I gotta admit..I DON’T ALWAYS HAVE THEM.
Last week I was faced with a patient with sudden onset diarrhea…and I was CLUELESS.  
I remember thinking “hmmm..you should see someone about that”.  
Oh yeah …that someone is ME …!!!
Oy vey….
Can I handle this???
Lemme sip summore red and mull this over….
Sometimes I wanna feel…and sometimes I don’t…
Sometimes I can’t possible fathom “feeling all the feels” 
Sometimes I need a little help to feel…
Sometime I wanna taste the food…
and sometimes I don’t want to allow myself to enjoy it…
Last Friday at crack o’ dawn AM my Ipod crapped out and I ended up doing the majority of my “AM insanity” at the gym sans head phones.  Therefore I had to actually HEAR my breathlessness and hear my heart racing.
and it was surprisingly…
quite lovely…
Normally I “numb it out” so I can ‘t hear how hard my body is working to try to keep up with my racing mind.  Possibly because if I could actually perceive how hard my body was working I would stop dead in my tracks, because no sane person would put their body through this.
But it was actually quite liberating to be able to “hear” myself struggling, but knowing I can continue through the struggle.  Just like I continued on through that sloshy, icey, muddy trail run last week, despite the warnings to turn back.
Because its through that struggle that I can recognize my strength….
Because there is beauty in the bleeding …
And as Aristotle so eloquently put it…
“There is no genius without having a touch of madness.” 
So maybe I’m a genius after all…

We are ALL A TAD MAD in our own right…
THEREFORE…we are ALL A GENIUS …

CONGRATS to you for your geniousness…

And thanks again for inspiring me to share my genius views with you…

=D

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