…because that’s where and when I find her 🙂
…because amazing things happen at the wee hours of the morning before the rest of the world wakes up..
…because i’m much more gentle with myself when its that early
….because I decided to try some “power lifting” crossfit moves this morning…just to remind myself what it was to be strong…and as I stared at myself in the mirror…and Metallica was blasting in my ears…and I felt the “healthy angry energy” i used to tap into …I suddenly realized…wow…there she is again. Hey there remember me? How have you been? I almost…ALMOST started to cry as I wondered …where have you been so long? But I was always RIGHT HERE.
And then I stop home before pedaling on with my adventurous day…and because its so early and your still asleep…I let the pooch out back. I give her the usual post-pee treat, but she gets it caught in her jowls as she often does. I kneel down to help her out, and linger a few minutes longer to tug on her floppy ears as I used to do, because it used to calm me so well. While on the floor I notice some books array under the coffee table. As I reach to “fix” them..I notice the funky earthy journal I bought in Asheville a million years ago. I forgot about this, have I ever actually written in it? I open it up and noticed entries that began in January of 2014, my second semester of PA school. Below each dated entry is a list of 5 items. Now I remember, I began that year listing 5 things I was grateful for every day…or every few days, so I wouldn’t feel so burdened and “strangled” by PA school. The entries began on 1/4/14, and the last entry was on 3/4/15….5 days before I broke my hip.
And on that beautifully broken day, I suppose all those old wounds which had so conveniently and nicely scabbed over, had been ripped open once again. I often wondered how I would find my “true self” again, the way I did when my heart was broken a million and one years ago. A broken heart is the most precious pain you can receive, as once its ripped open, you can find out whats inside. But it can only happen once, right? I’m never going to have another broken heart again?
But I can have a broken hip, and once again, discover all that was …and still is..inside.
But this time was different. Instead of becoming angry and using it to fuel my strength, I became vulnerable. Every day was a challenge to avoid becoming too “weak”. I was so concentrated on avoiding “the weakness” that I had forgotten what it was to be strong…..and how I can tap into that strength whenever I need it most…especially at the wee hours of the morning.
Because if I “sleep in”…I sleep past the demons….and then they stay with me, and I spend the rest of the day trying to shake them. And by waking later, I have less time and need to spend MORE energy trying to shake them loose. But at the wee hours of the morning, I can take me time, I can be gentle, ease into the strength, and by the end of it…I am so much stronger than I realized I was a couple of hours earlier. I have no expectations at that hour, just happy to be here and be moving. And the demons wash away gradually and naturally, as they too are too tired to put up much of a fight. And my “healthy angry energy” can fuel me and carry me through the rest of the day.
As I stared at myself in the mirror, hands on the barbell, ready for my “power move”, Metallica reminding me who I was…who I am…where I came from…and now…how I will always have the strength to go where I want to/need to go….I almost cried…and would have been glad too. Wouldn’t that have been comical, to have tears streaming down my face as I perform my “power move” with the …ahem…bar..only…lol! Well.. there was the one set that I added a whopping 2.5lbs plate to each side 🙂
But I wonder if there is anyone else out there who continues to listen to Metallica during their post-workout yoga time? Because there’s nothing more calming to me then when I can “breathe” through the mayhem blasting in my ears.
So you always wonder…why do I wake up so damn early?? I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately. And a few weeks ago, just before Christmas, I had the urge again, to wake up well before dawn. The weather permitted, and I somehow found a nugget of energy to pedal my way to start my day in the dark 5am hour. And as soon I turned out of our street, I saw a shooting star. I NEVER would have seen that in the daylight, or behind the wheel of a car. That same day I was offered the job I had been hoping for. But now I wait to see if they’ll accept my counter offer….
So again today, I resisted the thoughts of “sleeping with the demons”. And because of that, I found my journal under the coffee table, I found myself in the mirror and in my words, and can remember what it is to be grateful………coincidence?
Oh…and the second I hit “Publish” to my blog….my phone rang from Duke with a follow up offer to my counter offer…
and now…I am employed..and get to live the dream 🙂
(O.M.G. Holy -f*#k#(G S*#T!! now I gotta treat patients FOR REALSIES!!! )